As a Christian, I always wonder what is better: blind faith or sour cynicism? The world tells us what we see is believing, but what the things we don't see? For instance, wind? We know it's there, but why don't we question it? Why do we trust to our cars run and fully function? I get frustrated with when the computer or the car doesn't work, but what about God? Should I get frustrated and cynical when it seems like God isn't doing my way? Doing stuff that I least expect? 2009 and 2010 have been totally opposite different years for me: last year I scraped a car, had a hard time with a night I was taking, had my seizure with losing freedom of driving and being in fear all the time, and the experience happening again, and had major problems with work. I was pretty close to becoming cynical for the first time in my life, because God (at least I thought) wasn't there, but it was my humanistic side coming out, and thinking it was myself. But things started changing the better for me in mid year 2009: I met a wonderful lady named Bobbi who had the greatest attitude known to mankind, and it really lifted my spirits. I went to a work camp called Romans 12 where I was blessed with all the different projects and meeting amazing people. As my first college semester was going on, it was pretty good with some bumps, but the speech class really boost my confidence, especially when I got a 93% on a speech which I didn't feel was my best. God was really there 100% But my vision was clouded with hurt pride, insecurities, and fear. In October, I went to a concert at Lancaster Bible College, and the bands Leeland, Brandon Heath, and Francesca Battistelli, which was also very encouraging. Sadly though later in the month, I had a big fight with my boss, and though I said I was sorry, I wish I could of left on better terms, but the past is long gone.
Not to be dramatic, I was scared to death for 2010. What was it going to be like? I was nervous. But during this period I had a job with UPS, which ended in January. I finally drove myself to school. During this period, my sister left CEF, and God urged me to go and join CEF. I never felt so nervous for a job interview, but they hired me, and one of the things I've been doing is speaking at churches. I've been blessed to raise all of it and be in my bonus. In April, I came home one Thursday, and it was a good day, when my parents told me "we need to talk" and I thought to myself: I haven't done anything wrong, nothing I can think of anyway But my parents told I wasn't in trouble, then they told me something I didn't think I'd get till I was older. It was a car! I couldn't and can't believe I have a car. It's bittersweet everything that has been happening in this year. At one point, I questioned God with logic, because everything was going really well, but I know I'll be tested. I know it's coming. I am also going to Romans 12 again, which makes me happy. I'll be one busy girl during the summer!
The reason for the title is because a friend of mine has a book called: God: a biography. It's by a former Jesuit priest, and what I read kind of disgust me. For one thing, he implies God isn't perfect. He says "God isn't a saint, strange to say" and also the Holy Spirit is a "secular ideal" Let me ask you this: would you write a book about God? Where do you start? Where do you finish? Why even write a book at all if He has no beginning and no end? It's also strange these liberal magazines are praising this book, but why would someone do that if they don't believe in God? People are okay with God, but for some strange reason, and I've experienced this, people get hostile when you mention Jesus Christ. It's a very strange spiritual war we are fighting.
I try to be faithful to God, even if things are bad, and one of the things I don't want to fall into is doubt and cynicism, because I'm saying to God, "It's not enough, and I'm not happy" I am blessed honestly, and I wish I could thank Him, but words are not enough. God just tells me to serve Him during the summer and beyond, which I am praying about anyway.
I've learned though, when God closes doors, He opens others.
"I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men revere Him" Ecclesiastes 3:14. It's amazing to see somebody who is really depressed still trust God.
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him" James 1:12. I wasn't under a persecution trial, but I was under a trial, and because I persevered God has blessed me. It didn't come over night, but it came, and that's what counts.
I am going to try to have faith....even in the bad of times.
Okay, off to do stuff for CEF. Until another post.....Faith.
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